In the News: Snooki v. Obama, The Ghost of Lehman Brothers, and... the Blackpad?

Today's GDP report was certainly big news for the market, prompting a major a.m. spike in the CBOE Market Volatility Index (VIX). The fear index has since calmed down, though, and is now resting on a 2.5% loss, just above its 200-day moving average -- so I think we're all free to relax, too, and consider some of the day's truly newsworthy headlines:

• The cultural juggernaut known as Jersey Shore has made its triumphant return to the airwaves, just in time for Snooki to strike back at President Obama. In the first episode's opening moments, Snooki boldly asserted that Obama specifically targeted the show's cast by levying a 10% tanning tax, forcing her to airbrush her face to her preferred shade of Oompa-Loompa orange. This is the second time this week the leader of the free world has shared headlines with Snooki; on Wednesday, the president was caught in a major flip-flop when he claimed to have no knowledge of the pint-sized reality star -- even though he made a joke at her expense at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner in May. But come on, now -- was anybody really under the impression that uber-nerd Obama was testing out his own comedy material? In any event, this is officially now the hottest celebrity feud since Paris and Nicole.
• Speaking of questionable PR, Fortune's Duff McDonald reports on the troubled resume of Ohio gubernatorial candidate John Kasich. Thanks to a lengthy run as an employee of Lehman Brothers, Kasich has become an easy target for incumbent opponent Ted Strickland -- and, as McDonald points out, Kasich's own reticence about his Lehman tenure is only making the situation worse. I'm no political scientist, but Kasich might want to consider a positive spin on the matter... you know, something like: "Vote for John Kasich -- I Didn't Work at AIG!"
• An exclusive Bloomberg report today indicates that Research In Motion Limited (RIMM) is prepping its own tablet computer for a launch sometime in November. The BlackBerry parent wouldn't confirm the reports, but one of the sources cited in the article reveals that the new device will be called the Blackpad. I hope that particular detail is inaccurate, if only because it's such a blatantly underachieving, coattail-riding name. What's next -- a music player called the Blackpod? Or a computer called the Blackmac? That's just kind of sad, RIMM.
• Meanwhile, over in The Wall Street Journal, Brett Arends asks the pressing question of the weekend: Is Chelsea Clinton Setting a Bad Example? The underlying assumption, apparently, is that dimwit brides will think to themselves, "If Chelsea's getting a multi-million dollar wedding, I want Daddy to buy one for me, too!" [Insert dainty foot-stomp here.] But I think most brides-to-be probably know they're not Chelsea Clinton -- and thank God for that, or their pre-pubescent awkward phases would have been a topic of national debate. In fact, Clinton's real error in judgment was scheduling her nuptials for July 31, which I claimed as my special day nearly 29 years ago. And yes, I've aged wonderfully. Thanks for noticing.

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